Another summer has come and gone.......

My youngest on his 1st day @ the big boy school

both my lil' guys

My oldest looking oober cool!

It's so hard to believe school is back in session already. This year both my boys are in the same school so that makes it a little easier for me but I'm a little sad that both my boys are "big" boys now. They always say that time goes by faster as you get older......with every passing year this proves to be more true. I'm hoping that both of the boys will have a great school year!

Hmmmm.....am I really that f'd up?

Have you ever had something happen that made you wonder just that? i've had that experience today. those of you that know me or have followed my blog over the years know that i struggle with self esteem issues......both with my physical appearance and with my confidence in my abilities and relationships. life is funny and kinda ironic at times. it seems that when i get comfortable with one aspect of myself something happens to set me back. i keep thinking that either i am meant to feel this way (maybe it's some sort of punishment) or maybe i really am that f'd up! we all have flaws, issues, things that we wish we could change......but do you ever struggle to find the things that you like about yourself? the things that you find acceptable? the things that you wouldn't change even if you could? i do.....all the time.....everyday. it's sad.....it makes me sad. it's a cycle......i feel bad about myself and then i do something or say something that is bitter and then i feel even worse about myself. i can't seem to break the cycle and when i think i've put it behind me.....something or someone brings it to my attention that i in fact have not.....~sigh~

this entire blog may be some kind of ramble and may not make a bit of sense....if that's the case i apologize to any one who happens to read this pitiful post.

don't get the wrong idea....i love my boys, my boyfriend, my family and friends....they fill my life with the love and joy that keeps me going but i just wish i could find a way to love my self....scratch that....like myself.....hell who am i kidding....i just wish i could not HATE myself.

so....here i am left with all of these thoughts....what to do....what to do.....i guess i need to work on the things that i hate the most.......first of all my physical appearance. I've been attending weight watchers, joined the ymca (and i've actually been working out and enjoying it.....strange) and considered surgery if this attempt fails.

As far as my thoughts and behavior......I have been trying to keep my negativity to myself......this has proved to be quite a difficult task and i just found out i haven't been doing as good of a job with this one as i thought......but i will continue to try to change......i guess i'll just have to try harder!

i again apologize if anyone happens to read this.....but i do feel a little better getting it all out of my head.

Reflecting

So much has happened since my last blog entry..........too much to squeeze into one post. There has been one thing that happened that has effected me more that anything else.........the death of my aunt. She was sick for over 8 months.....she fought so hard and suffered so much. To say that I will miss her is an understatement! She was one of the strongest, funniest and most fun people I've ever been around. She had a light about her that didn't dim even in the end. Her smile and laugh would fill your heart.

She was more than my aunt.......she was one of my closest friends. We had so many good times and were there for each other through the tough times. I know that she's in a better place and no longer suffering and for that I'm grateful but the selfish part of me is sad.........I miss her......I will ALWAYS miss her. The world will be a much different place without her voice but heaven is a brighter place with the addition of our Angel. I love you Kath......you will not be forgotten.

I'm Sorry

Sorry Lyrics
Artist(Band):Buckcherry

Oh I had alot to say
Was thinking on my time away
I missed you and things weren't the same
'Cause everything inside it never comes out right
And when I see you cry it makes me wanna die.
I'm sorry I'm bad, I'm sorry you're blue
I'm sorry about all the things I said to you
And I know I can't take it back
I love how you kiss, I love all your sounds
And baby the way you make my world go 'round
And I just wanted to say I'm sorry. This time I think I'm to blame
It's harder to get through the days
We get older and blame turns to shame
'Cause everything inside it never comes out right
And when I see you cry it makes me wanna die.
I'm sorry I'm bad, I'm sorry you're blue
I'm sorry about all the things I said to you
And I know I can't take it back
I love how you kiss, I love all your sounds
And baby the way you make my world go 'round
And I just wanted to say I'm sorry.
Every single day I think about how we came all this way
The sleepless nights and the tears you cried
It's never too late to make it right
Oh yeah sorryI'm sorry I'm bad, I'm sorry you're blue
I'm sorry about all the things I said to you
And I know I can't take it back
I love how you kiss, I love all your sounds
And baby the way you make my world go 'round
And I just wanted to say I'm sorry.
I'm sorry baby.
I'm sorry baby, Yeah.
I'm sorry.

New Pics

Me and the Boys @ the Louisville Zoo!

Mindtwister and the boys @ Bernheim

My Boys making crazy faces......gotta love em!

The luckiest gal in the world!

I am so lucky to have this man in my life. Without him I would be lost in love. I love him more with each passing day! Thank you for being such an amazing man to me and the boys! We love you!

wool coats

I've been working a lot of long hours recently. So much that I think I'm a little depressed because it's dark when I go in to work and dark when I leave. I work in one of the biggest office buildings in the city. It's pretty much in the heart of downtown. There are a lot of law firms, accounting firms, financial planners, marketing firms, etc. I walk about half a city block to get to and from my parking garage each day, along with countless other professionals. As I walk I look around at all the other people walking to and from work. We all walk in silence; no one smiling or making chit chat. Most of the women are in dresses or pant suits and heels and the men are in suits and ties. But most of us have one thing in common.......our black wool dress coats. Yeah sure some of them are short others are long but we are all wearing them. In fact a couple of days ago the sight of all the wool dress coats made me laugh out loud.......we look like black wool cattle!

It got me thinking.....is this what life is all about? We all drag ourselves into our jobs/careers, do our time and rush home to our families to do homework, dinner, baths, etc.....and then finally collapse into a brief sleep until we get up and do it all over again. As a child I had passion for life.....I wanted to make a difference. Now I just want to make it to the weekend. I like my job, it's very demanding and I hate that I spend more time away from the kids but overall it's a good job. But I don't feel that passion for what I do.......so I ask, is the passion and excitement of my youth lost? I want to feel that inspiration, that love for what I do.......maybe some day I will find those feelings again. Until then I adorn my wool coat and continue on this rat race of life.

Many hugs and love,
Brandy